Ok. I'm here. Now what the hell is it that I wanted to say.
Well, I start with THIS shocker. I am feeling GOOD lately. Not depressed. Not miserable. Actually...almost...dare I say it? HAPPY.
I ALMOST have my life back. When Austin and Hayley are gone to their dad's...it feels like a throwback to 10 years ago. When it was just me, my husband, and my son. Life was calm, the future was bright, and I thought I was just beginning my life and it was gonna be great. I was HAPPY in my first marriage. I really was. And at times, lately, I am almost that happy again. Mike has been being...pleasant. Not an asshole. Not someone you feel like you have to tiptoe around lest you piss off by breathing.
Fast forward to the next time I was happy. I was happy when I liked myself. This lasted from 2002-2006. I am working on getting THIS back too. I have finally lost some weight, although I *really* haven't yet, since I can't even believe how fat I actually got and I am REALLY just getting back to where I SHOULD have started. But I was looking at pictures of myself from the summer of 2005, and I am only 27 lbs above that. Ok, that still sounds like a lot. But, as with everything, when I break it down into smaller goals...it, right now I am 162. If I get into the 150's, well, I don't look hardly bad in the 150's at all. Then I'll get into the 140's. I don't even care if I never actually get to 135 again. 145 will be...almost as good. And I am in my 30's now, not 26 like in the pictures...
I am pretty optimistic. Life is shaping up, soon I will be 145, and I can just pretend that the horrible years of 2007 and 2008 never happened. God they were awful years. Anthony is getting older, things are getting easier, I am getting thinner...if we just had money life would actually be pretty perfect. I'll work on that when Anthony goes to school. I have said it time and time again...if I lost the weight, it would help EVERYTHING. And it is true. I just hope it keeps coming off. In the back of my mind is this fear...I got this big in the first place because the Anthony weight wouldn't come off. What if it still won't? What if no amount of starving and reasonable exercise that I can actually do will get me to 145 even? This week was a bust because of Aunt Flo, what if next week is a bust too? Despite the fact that I have only had 3/4 honey nut cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk, a string cheese, and 2 pieces of wheat toast with I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter-light?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Countdown to sahm...10 days
Well. I found out they aren't replacing me at work. They are farming out my responsibilities to other departments. That's fine, I don't care...it's just that...
I can't get a bank job, and now my current job has decided they don't need me...
It seems I don't have any value to anybody.
Including my husband. My value is in what I do for him. Which, up till now, has been, make money, provide insurance, and take care of the family too. Pretty much everything. It's been no secret that he liked that I worked.
I called him cause I was upset about the feeling worthless. You know when you just really need to talk to someone and have them make you feel better?
He pretty much said, "Yeah, well...this is what you wanted."
He doesn't give a shit about me, and is going to resent me just like my first husband did. The only people who love me no matter what are my kids. Who aren't home all week (at xh's parents). I want my kids.
So....right now I just can't wait till these two weeks are over and I can start ENJOYING my new life. Right now...not so hot. Why couldn't I have just gotten the bank job. I wonder if people ever stop to think that not getting a job, losing some money, etc...can actually ruin someone's life. I wish the people who made the decision not to hire me knew what it meant to me.
So now....I am a nothing.
I can't get a bank job, and now my current job has decided they don't need me...
It seems I don't have any value to anybody.
Including my husband. My value is in what I do for him. Which, up till now, has been, make money, provide insurance, and take care of the family too. Pretty much everything. It's been no secret that he liked that I worked.
I called him cause I was upset about the feeling worthless. You know when you just really need to talk to someone and have them make you feel better?
He pretty much said, "Yeah, well...this is what you wanted."
He doesn't give a shit about me, and is going to resent me just like my first husband did. The only people who love me no matter what are my kids. Who aren't home all week (at xh's parents). I want my kids.
So....right now I just can't wait till these two weeks are over and I can start ENJOYING my new life. Right now...not so hot. Why couldn't I have just gotten the bank job. I wonder if people ever stop to think that not getting a job, losing some money, etc...can actually ruin someone's life. I wish the people who made the decision not to hire me knew what it meant to me.
So now....I am a nothing.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Countdown to sahm...11 days
Well, again, first time at this blog in like a year and it took me about 20 fucking minutes to figure out how to log in. I think I got it now. I hope. I'd really like to start doing this on a regular basis.
So..countdown to sahm....or pt job mom...but either will feel like a fucking vacation to me...11 days.
I'm feelin pretty good about it. I've had some emotions today because:
1. I got my kiss off ffrom the 5 star job, and
2. I was reminded of how I screwed up my life after my divorce by not finding out what happened with my teacher certification.
So those things just made me go all over in my head again how I was once a bright girl with potential...and now I'm a fat waste of life.
But...I swear this is going to be the best change...and I'm going to tackle that fat part first. I was never fat till I got this job. Get rid of the job...get rid of the fat.
God it sucks that I had so much to say, but lost it all while I tried to figure out how to log into this thing.
Oh, oh! And the best part of my day! I am getting my child support TODAY! I love Denise!! LOL, is that strange? To say I love my exhusband's wife? She is giving me my August child support TODAY, though it's only the 29th. My exh is in Afghanistan...so that's why HE doesn't give it to me. This makes me happy because now I will have the money for the Gymboree back to school sale that starts tomorrow, and to buy my dd's birthday presents while she is not home (she's with xh's parents this week, they go a week every summer).
So..countdown to sahm....or pt job mom...but either will feel like a fucking vacation to me...11 days.
I'm feelin pretty good about it. I've had some emotions today because:
1. I got my kiss off ffrom the 5 star job, and
2. I was reminded of how I screwed up my life after my divorce by not finding out what happened with my teacher certification.
So those things just made me go all over in my head again how I was once a bright girl with potential...and now I'm a fat waste of life.
But...I swear this is going to be the best change...and I'm going to tackle that fat part first. I was never fat till I got this job. Get rid of the job...get rid of the fat.
God it sucks that I had so much to say, but lost it all while I tried to figure out how to log into this thing.
Oh, oh! And the best part of my day! I am getting my child support TODAY! I love Denise!! LOL, is that strange? To say I love my exhusband's wife? She is giving me my August child support TODAY, though it's only the 29th. My exh is in Afghanistan...so that's why HE doesn't give it to me. This makes me happy because now I will have the money for the Gymboree back to school sale that starts tomorrow, and to buy my dd's birthday presents while she is not home (she's with xh's parents this week, they go a week every summer).
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I'm a mess
You know, first of all, I really need this blog. I really like this blog. But I can't ever freaking log in to this blog. I have no idea what my username is and I never post here because it ends up being such a goddamn ordeal to try to get in.
So anyway.
I'm a freaking mess. I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm having yet another of my famous identity crisises. I don't know if it all has to do with moving back to Arcade or what. Or if it's cause I'm on the eve of 30. Or if it is because it has been a year since Anthony was born. But I find myself lately reverting back to my single persona. Or wanting to. It's a bit freaking hard with the big fat ass I'm currently sporting. But I miss that Me so much. I find myself so incredibly sick of having kids. And don't even get me started on having stepkids. I'm just sick of it all. You know, when you decide (or don't decide, depending on the circumstances) to have a baby, it's like, "oh, how fun, I'm having a baby!" The vast majority of us just have no CLUE what we are really getting into. And I am not talking about diapers and sleepless nights and spit up and all that. All that is cake. I'm talking about....am I screwing up this person? Am I scarring them for life? And, ulitmately...why did I even bother?
And let's move on to another topic. Men. Marriage. Relationships. HERE'S another GREAT example of a why did I even bother situation.
I don't know, then I think, it must be all me. Because I honest to God hate everybody. I hate men. I hate women, at least the good looking ones, for making the men look. I hate myself that I am no longer one of them. I hate myself for the way I acted when I was.
So now what? Basically, I am so apathetic it's ridiculous. I just don't want to do anything. Except drink. God bless the amaretto sour. So. That's my decision is to revert as much as possible back to the young cool me. Except now I gotta be the cool, almost 30 me. With even more stretch marks.
I gotta lose this weight. That's number one. That would fix a hell of a lot. As it did when I was divorced. Everything else might suck but as long as I have a nice ass I'm happy. I miss my nice ass. Of course, my underlying fear here is...can I even get it back? Will it COME back at 30? Or can I at least fake it with a push up bra and a good pair of jeans?
So anyway.
I'm a freaking mess. I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm having yet another of my famous identity crisises. I don't know if it all has to do with moving back to Arcade or what. Or if it's cause I'm on the eve of 30. Or if it is because it has been a year since Anthony was born. But I find myself lately reverting back to my single persona. Or wanting to. It's a bit freaking hard with the big fat ass I'm currently sporting. But I miss that Me so much. I find myself so incredibly sick of having kids. And don't even get me started on having stepkids. I'm just sick of it all. You know, when you decide (or don't decide, depending on the circumstances) to have a baby, it's like, "oh, how fun, I'm having a baby!" The vast majority of us just have no CLUE what we are really getting into. And I am not talking about diapers and sleepless nights and spit up and all that. All that is cake. I'm talking about....am I screwing up this person? Am I scarring them for life? And, ulitmately...why did I even bother?
And let's move on to another topic. Men. Marriage. Relationships. HERE'S another GREAT example of a why did I even bother situation.
I don't know, then I think, it must be all me. Because I honest to God hate everybody. I hate men. I hate women, at least the good looking ones, for making the men look. I hate myself that I am no longer one of them. I hate myself for the way I acted when I was.
So now what? Basically, I am so apathetic it's ridiculous. I just don't want to do anything. Except drink. God bless the amaretto sour. So. That's my decision is to revert as much as possible back to the young cool me. Except now I gotta be the cool, almost 30 me. With even more stretch marks.
I gotta lose this weight. That's number one. That would fix a hell of a lot. As it did when I was divorced. Everything else might suck but as long as I have a nice ass I'm happy. I miss my nice ass. Of course, my underlying fear here is...can I even get it back? Will it COME back at 30? Or can I at least fake it with a push up bra and a good pair of jeans?
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Life without Prozac
I'm miserable. For a variety of reasons. I find myself today feeling like I am sick of my life. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being broke. I'm sick of not spending my money how I want to spend my money. I'm sick of having a family of 7. Tonight I just wanted my old life back so bad.
I love Mike, but I am sick of this life. I liked my life, and myself, better when I lived it how I wanted to live it. And when I didn't have so many goddamn kids that I couldn't afford anything without having to buy it for 7 goddamn people.
And really, I had to give up everything. Nice clothes, shoes, nice hair products and makeup, everything. Because I was made out to be SOOOOO extravagant and irresponsible for wanting these things. Now i am just ugly and still broke. But I figured it up, if costs $6 a day just for Mike's cigarettes and pop, and then he eats a ton. But that's ok, he gets to do that while every cent I spend is criticized. I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to just have all my own money and all my own bills again, and spend it how I want to.
I want to look nice, even if I gotta spend my last dollar to do it. I want to buy things for my kids and put them in activities without having to justify it.
AND I WANT FUCKING ANNOYING ALYSSA OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW, I ALREADY TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE ALONE AND SHE IS FUCKING HERE AGAIN.
And Anthony is like having a freaking shackel around my ankle. He follows me around all day whining and crying. I never get a moment's peace. I hate this age. It's funny cause I remember when I felt that way about Hayley and right now Hayley is my favorite person in the world. I know it will pass.
But I am miserable. I hate my life. I used to have a motto when I hated my life before. I used to say, if you're not happy, change. I moved. I got new jobs. I got new men. And, like I said, I made my own money and did what I wanted with it. I can't believe that I am actually WORSE off now. Because I can't even change anything.
I love Mike, but I am sick of this life. I liked my life, and myself, better when I lived it how I wanted to live it. And when I didn't have so many goddamn kids that I couldn't afford anything without having to buy it for 7 goddamn people.
And really, I had to give up everything. Nice clothes, shoes, nice hair products and makeup, everything. Because I was made out to be SOOOOO extravagant and irresponsible for wanting these things. Now i am just ugly and still broke. But I figured it up, if costs $6 a day just for Mike's cigarettes and pop, and then he eats a ton. But that's ok, he gets to do that while every cent I spend is criticized. I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to just have all my own money and all my own bills again, and spend it how I want to.
I want to look nice, even if I gotta spend my last dollar to do it. I want to buy things for my kids and put them in activities without having to justify it.
AND I WANT FUCKING ANNOYING ALYSSA OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW, I ALREADY TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE ALONE AND SHE IS FUCKING HERE AGAIN.
And Anthony is like having a freaking shackel around my ankle. He follows me around all day whining and crying. I never get a moment's peace. I hate this age. It's funny cause I remember when I felt that way about Hayley and right now Hayley is my favorite person in the world. I know it will pass.
But I am miserable. I hate my life. I used to have a motto when I hated my life before. I used to say, if you're not happy, change. I moved. I got new jobs. I got new men. And, like I said, I made my own money and did what I wanted with it. I can't believe that I am actually WORSE off now. Because I can't even change anything.
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