Life without Prozac

I'm miserable. For a variety of reasons. I find myself today feeling like I am sick of my life. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being broke. I'm sick of not spending my money how I want to spend my money. I'm sick of having a family of 7. Tonight I just wanted my old life back so bad.

I love Mike, but I am sick of this life. I liked my life, and myself, better when I lived it how I wanted to live it. And when I didn't have so many goddamn kids that I couldn't afford anything without having to buy it for 7 goddamn people.

And really, I had to give up everything. Nice clothes, shoes, nice hair products and makeup, everything. Because I was made out to be SOOOOO extravagant and irresponsible for wanting these things. Now i am just ugly and still broke. But I figured it up, if costs $6 a day just for Mike's cigarettes and pop, and then he eats a ton. But that's ok, he gets to do that while every cent I spend is criticized. I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to just have all my own money and all my own bills again, and spend it how I want to.

I want to look nice, even if I gotta spend my last dollar to do it. I want to buy things for my kids and put them in activities without having to justify it.

AND I WANT FUCKING ANNOYING ALYSSA OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW, I ALREADY TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE ALONE AND SHE IS FUCKING HERE AGAIN.

And Anthony is like having a freaking shackel around my ankle. He follows me around all day whining and crying. I never get a moment's peace. I hate this age. It's funny cause I remember when I felt that way about Hayley and right now Hayley is my favorite person in the world. I know it will pass.

But I am miserable. I hate my life. I used to have a motto when I hated my life before. I used to say, if you're not happy, change. I moved. I got new jobs. I got new men. And, like I said, I made my own money and did what I wanted with it. I can't believe that I am actually WORSE off now. Because I can't even change anything.