You know, first of all, I really need this blog. I really like this blog. But I can't ever freaking log in to this blog. I have no idea what my username is and I never post here because it ends up being such a goddamn ordeal to try to get in.
So anyway.
I'm a freaking mess. I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm having yet another of my famous identity crisises. I don't know if it all has to do with moving back to Arcade or what. Or if it's cause I'm on the eve of 30. Or if it is because it has been a year since Anthony was born. But I find myself lately reverting back to my single persona. Or wanting to. It's a bit freaking hard with the big fat ass I'm currently sporting. But I miss that Me so much. I find myself so incredibly sick of having kids. And don't even get me started on having stepkids. I'm just sick of it all. You know, when you decide (or don't decide, depending on the circumstances) to have a baby, it's like, "oh, how fun, I'm having a baby!" The vast majority of us just have no CLUE what we are really getting into. And I am not talking about diapers and sleepless nights and spit up and all that. All that is cake. I'm talking about....am I screwing up this person? Am I scarring them for life? And, ulitmately...why did I even bother?
And let's move on to another topic. Men. Marriage. Relationships. HERE'S another GREAT example of a why did I even bother situation.
I don't know, then I think, it must be all me. Because I honest to God hate everybody. I hate men. I hate women, at least the good looking ones, for making the men look. I hate myself that I am no longer one of them. I hate myself for the way I acted when I was.
So now what? Basically, I am so apathetic it's ridiculous. I just don't want to do anything. Except drink. God bless the amaretto sour. So. That's my decision is to revert as much as possible back to the young cool me. Except now I gotta be the cool, almost 30 me. With even more stretch marks.
I gotta lose this weight. That's number one. That would fix a hell of a lot. As it did when I was divorced. Everything else might suck but as long as I have a nice ass I'm happy. I miss my nice ass. Of course, my underlying fear here is...can I even get it back? Will it COME back at 30? Or can I at least fake it with a push up bra and a good pair of jeans?
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Life without Prozac
I'm miserable. For a variety of reasons. I find myself today feeling like I am sick of my life. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being broke. I'm sick of not spending my money how I want to spend my money. I'm sick of having a family of 7. Tonight I just wanted my old life back so bad.
I love Mike, but I am sick of this life. I liked my life, and myself, better when I lived it how I wanted to live it. And when I didn't have so many goddamn kids that I couldn't afford anything without having to buy it for 7 goddamn people.
And really, I had to give up everything. Nice clothes, shoes, nice hair products and makeup, everything. Because I was made out to be SOOOOO extravagant and irresponsible for wanting these things. Now i am just ugly and still broke. But I figured it up, if costs $6 a day just for Mike's cigarettes and pop, and then he eats a ton. But that's ok, he gets to do that while every cent I spend is criticized. I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to just have all my own money and all my own bills again, and spend it how I want to.
I want to look nice, even if I gotta spend my last dollar to do it. I want to buy things for my kids and put them in activities without having to justify it.
AND I WANT FUCKING ANNOYING ALYSSA OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW, I ALREADY TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE ALONE AND SHE IS FUCKING HERE AGAIN.
And Anthony is like having a freaking shackel around my ankle. He follows me around all day whining and crying. I never get a moment's peace. I hate this age. It's funny cause I remember when I felt that way about Hayley and right now Hayley is my favorite person in the world. I know it will pass.
But I am miserable. I hate my life. I used to have a motto when I hated my life before. I used to say, if you're not happy, change. I moved. I got new jobs. I got new men. And, like I said, I made my own money and did what I wanted with it. I can't believe that I am actually WORSE off now. Because I can't even change anything.
I love Mike, but I am sick of this life. I liked my life, and myself, better when I lived it how I wanted to live it. And when I didn't have so many goddamn kids that I couldn't afford anything without having to buy it for 7 goddamn people.
And really, I had to give up everything. Nice clothes, shoes, nice hair products and makeup, everything. Because I was made out to be SOOOOO extravagant and irresponsible for wanting these things. Now i am just ugly and still broke. But I figured it up, if costs $6 a day just for Mike's cigarettes and pop, and then he eats a ton. But that's ok, he gets to do that while every cent I spend is criticized. I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to just have all my own money and all my own bills again, and spend it how I want to.
I want to look nice, even if I gotta spend my last dollar to do it. I want to buy things for my kids and put them in activities without having to justify it.
AND I WANT FUCKING ANNOYING ALYSSA OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW, I ALREADY TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE ALONE AND SHE IS FUCKING HERE AGAIN.
And Anthony is like having a freaking shackel around my ankle. He follows me around all day whining and crying. I never get a moment's peace. I hate this age. It's funny cause I remember when I felt that way about Hayley and right now Hayley is my favorite person in the world. I know it will pass.
But I am miserable. I hate my life. I used to have a motto when I hated my life before. I used to say, if you're not happy, change. I moved. I got new jobs. I got new men. And, like I said, I made my own money and did what I wanted with it. I can't believe that I am actually WORSE off now. Because I can't even change anything.
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