Ok. I'm here. Now what the hell is it that I wanted to say.
Well, I start with THIS shocker. I am feeling GOOD lately. Not depressed. Not miserable. Actually...almost...dare I say it? HAPPY.
I ALMOST have my life back. When Austin and Hayley are gone to their dad's...it feels like a throwback to 10 years ago. When it was just me, my husband, and my son. Life was calm, the future was bright, and I thought I was just beginning my life and it was gonna be great. I was HAPPY in my first marriage. I really was. And at times, lately, I am almost that happy again. Mike has been being...pleasant. Not an asshole. Not someone you feel like you have to tiptoe around lest you piss off by breathing.
Fast forward to the next time I was happy. I was happy when I liked myself. This lasted from 2002-2006. I am working on getting THIS back too. I have finally lost some weight, although I *really* haven't yet, since I can't even believe how fat I actually got and I am REALLY just getting back to where I SHOULD have started. But I was looking at pictures of myself from the summer of 2005, and I am only 27 lbs above that. Ok, that still sounds like a lot. But, as with everything, when I break it down into smaller goals...it, right now I am 162. If I get into the 150's, well, I don't look hardly bad in the 150's at all. Then I'll get into the 140's. I don't even care if I never actually get to 135 again. 145 will be...almost as good. And I am in my 30's now, not 26 like in the pictures...
I am pretty optimistic. Life is shaping up, soon I will be 145, and I can just pretend that the horrible years of 2007 and 2008 never happened. God they were awful years. Anthony is getting older, things are getting easier, I am getting thinner...if we just had money life would actually be pretty perfect. I'll work on that when Anthony goes to school. I have said it time and time again...if I lost the weight, it would help EVERYTHING. And it is true. I just hope it keeps coming off. In the back of my mind is this fear...I got this big in the first place because the Anthony weight wouldn't come off. What if it still won't? What if no amount of starving and reasonable exercise that I can actually do will get me to 145 even? This week was a bust because of Aunt Flo, what if next week is a bust too? Despite the fact that I have only had 3/4 honey nut cheerios with 1/2 cup skim milk, a string cheese, and 2 pieces of wheat toast with I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter-light?
