I'm a mess

You know, first of all, I really need this blog. I really like this blog. But I can't ever freaking log in to this blog. I have no idea what my username is and I never post here because it ends up being such a goddamn ordeal to try to get in.

So anyway.

I'm a freaking mess. I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm having yet another of my famous identity crisises. I don't know if it all has to do with moving back to Arcade or what. Or if it's cause I'm on the eve of 30. Or if it is because it has been a year since Anthony was born. But I find myself lately reverting back to my single persona. Or wanting to. It's a bit freaking hard with the big fat ass I'm currently sporting. But I miss that Me so much. I find myself so incredibly sick of having kids. And don't even get me started on having stepkids. I'm just sick of it all. You know, when you decide (or don't decide, depending on the circumstances) to have a baby, it's like, "oh, how fun, I'm having a baby!" The vast majority of us just have no CLUE what we are really getting into. And I am not talking about diapers and sleepless nights and spit up and all that. All that is cake. I'm talking about....am I screwing up this person? Am I scarring them for life? And, ulitmately...why did I even bother?

And let's move on to another topic. Men. Marriage. Relationships. HERE'S another GREAT example of a why did I even bother situation.

I don't know, then I think, it must be all me. Because I honest to God hate everybody. I hate men. I hate women, at least the good looking ones, for making the men look. I hate myself that I am no longer one of them. I hate myself for the way I acted when I was.

So now what? Basically, I am so apathetic it's ridiculous. I just don't want to do anything. Except drink. God bless the amaretto sour. So. That's my decision is to revert as much as possible back to the young cool me. Except now I gotta be the cool, almost 30 me. With even more stretch marks.

I gotta lose this weight. That's number one. That would fix a hell of a lot. As it did when I was divorced. Everything else might suck but as long as I have a nice ass I'm happy. I miss my nice ass. Of course, my underlying fear here is...can I even get it back? Will it COME back at 30? Or can I at least fake it with a push up bra and a good pair of jeans?